sequins and science

Thank goodness for diversity! I love the fact that my 2 girls are so different and wonder if it is easier somehow to parent an adopted child. There are no preconceived ideas of who they should be - not looking for any familial links/trends. They are who they are.

If my kids can grow up with curiousity, compassion and confidence -there are signs of these qualities now - I'll be thrilled.

It is hard, however, to be 6. 6 is intense, brilliant, competitive and driven by science. Prove a fact. Know a fact. It is solid and unchanging and reliable. A box cannot be a pirate ship because it is a box. It is a rectangle held together by tape. It is not waterproof. Your 'ship' would leak!
Her feelings are deep, often hidden but intense.

4 on the other hand is a charmer. Cute, bubbly, buoyant, social. She loves to perform, to sing, act, dance. Put her on a stage and she will pretend to be anything. Find something funny, laugh, wear glitter, make up and sequins. Life is great when you are a princess!

Everyone is different. Everyone is good at at different things. Some learn quicker than others. We are all unique. One of a kind! Doesn't that make the world and interesting place?

my evil side

A side note to yesterday's rather long history of my relationship with my father...

I was watching Six Feet Under when I received the call that my father had died of a heart attack. Strange. My brother made the call. He had a tormented relationship as well but never managed to detach, so he was a bit of a mess - his grief was huge.

The funeral was held in Northern Ontario. There was no question of whether or not I should attend. Both my siblings had a relationship with the man, so out of respect for them I made the arrangements to fly. Both siblings would be staying with 'family' - step family to be exact. I was not welcome, so I booked a hotel.

It was awkward to say the least. Who knows what kind of horror story I was described as. I am sure the 'family' anticipated a meeting with the devil. I took my then 4 yr old along to act as my human shield. It is alot easier to manage in stressful times when your focus is caring for someone else. She was aware that my father and I were not speaking. I had told her that sometimes people just do not like each other much even though they are related...

Arrived at the destination and was met by a friend of the family who offered to drive us to the hotel. We went to the funeral home later that night.

My father had many friends. He was a good friend - generous and caring. He just didn't have it in him to extend those qualities to his children. I don't think his friends had any idea who he was to us. I was obviously an ungrateful, sick and twisted human being who could not appreciate the loving, decent man he was.

It is a strange situation to be in when you are surrounded with people filled with the raw pain of new grief. My grief was past. So I walked among the wounded like a visiting alien. Curious, saddened - but removed.

During the funeral, the minister gave an opportunity for anyone who felt compelled to speak - eulogise the deceased. I have to admit that the evil side of me wanted to get up - not to say anything bad - just to enjoy the gasped intake of breath of mourners anticipating what havoc I might cause. I remained seated. But the thought was fun - for a moment...

history

For the most part, my past stays behind me but every once in awhile something triggers an impulse to look back. I am happier when the retrospective is initiated by a thought rather than an emotion. Today the trigger is a thought - so here is the detached version.

I posted on Rosie O'Donnell's blog that my identity had been stolen. It was - and the repercussions may haunt me the rest of my life...

6 was adopted at 3 months of age. I had dutifully contributed Employment Insurance since the age of 15. Took parental leave form work. Packed up the new baby and went to the employment center to submit my claim for EI. I had never had an employment insurance claim before and was not sure what to expect...it sure wasn't what I got!

Waited for ~ an hour for my turn. There was a problem with my claim. Seems there was an existing, active insurance claim against my Social Insurance Number. A creeping sense of horror...I knew who it was. The worker confirmed that someone was using my number.
I was sent to a small room and interrogated. My claim was denied pending an investigation.

I was accused of working with my father to commit fraud.

Went home shaken and defeated. Dug up some records of the last incident when he had 'borrowed' my identity. Twelve years prior, I was charged by the government for tax owing on unclaimed income. Turned out the income was my father's. Using someone else's SIN was a great way to avoid paying taxes. I thought the issue had been resolved. Apparently not.

So, I was taking care of a new baby at home with no income and accusations of fraud hanging over my head.

It took a long hard fight to get my name cleared. Another long fight brought a charge of fraud against my father which allowed me to get a new SIN.

Two weeks after I returned to work, the company I worked for went bankrupt. The insurance claim mess had not been totally cleared, so I was cut off after 5 wks. Did not have a new job yet - nor was my new SIN assigned. Let's just say it was a big convoluted mess. I came as close to homeless as I ever want to be. Friends saved me by creating a temporary position as a bakery assistant working midnights.

My father died almost 2 years ago. I had never told anyone the reasons for our conflict. After his death, his wife found 5 years of unopened mail. The conviction for fraud was included.

I still get government mail addressed to my father at my home. I continue to send it back with deceased written on the front. Who knows how they dealt with the mess of our government pensions - entangled for at least 12 years...

My father was an angry abusive man. I tried many times to get past my childhood traumas and establish a relationship with him. We never spoke in the last 5 years of his life.

I do not miss him, but sometimes the child in me still wonders what I did wrong and how I could have saved our relationship.

the ladybug ball

The Ladybug Ball was last week.

This was 4's first school concert. For weeks we heard the repertoire of bug themed songs! Her new dress - a pretty pale green dress in an acceptable 'princess style' - was three quarters completed when the teacher advised us that the theme was red and black. Could I just go buy some new fabric and whip up another dress?! Sure! I have nothing planned for the next couple of days between 2 and 3 am! Fortunately the new pattern was an easy one and the requisite ladybug attire was completed.

The night before the concert, we spent 1 1/2 hours putting her hair in twists. She looked adorable! 4 has a nice texture to her hair - the twists form ringlets. With her big brown eyes she looks like a negative of Shirley Temple!

Concert evening...video camera ready, Grandma in attendance - everything is right. 4 is dropped off at her classroom to await the Kindergartens' turn to perform. The Grade 4/5 recorder concert seemed to go on forever. Who picks the songs? Pomp and Circumstance and excerpts from Tchaicovsky are not exactly recorder friendly!

It was 45 minutes before the ladybugs were escorted to the stage. Kids this age are so cute! They all smiled and waved. 4 was seriously attentive. With the start of the music, she came to life. What a little performer! This is not just mother's pride - at least 10 parents came up and commented on her stage presence and expression.

What no one commented on is the fact that one little ladybug had to pee. Badly. Perhaps the expression was just a facial contortion similar to the one her body was performing! She wiggled, grabbed herself and finally just took a handful of dress and shoved it between her legs. All captured on videotape!

6 had a similar experience in her first concert - just not in the front row thus not as obvious.

We're 2 for 2 at concerts :0)

Initiation?

Well, it has finally happened. I have joined a group - albeit unintentionally. After 6 1/2 years of congratulating myself on having kids who are not vomiters by nature, I have experienced the unpleasantness of being awoken by a sick child. That is, I was awoken by the gurgled "Mommy!" call followed by being vomited on! A rude awakening indeed!

Really, this should have not come as a surprise. The child had consumed mega quantities of junk food at a bbq earlier in the evening. So, the "if you eat too much junk you will make yourself sick" threat was realized.

Both my kids have remarkable resilience. Neither one acts sick unless they have a temp over 104F. True to form, Princess Chatterbox serenaded me in the bathroom for 2 full hours after awakening. The theme of the concert? "I'm not going back to sleep!"

Finally settled down at 4am. Yesterday her stomach was still "angry". Guess it was the flu.

questions

Both my kids are in the care of someone who allows her kids to play with toy guns, swords and knives.

Her decison is explained thus...its pretend. When we were kids we all played with guns and how many people do you know who wound up killing people with real guns? It's imaginative play! Let them be kids.

I am really torn about this.

First, I did not play with pretend guns when I was a kid. I abhorred violence of any kind - even hated cartoons where characters tried to hurt each other. Secondly, the world has changed. There were no drive by shootings, no school entrances framed by metal detectors, no kids stabbing each other in the street when I was a kid. We did not have exposure to violence in video games.

Last week, I found my 6 yr old playing after school with a bunch of kids all armed with their fingers, shoting each other. The rules of the game dictated you had to stay 'dead' for 10 seconds after being shot. Then you could come back to life and join in again. One mother pulled me aside. "My kids would not be allowed to play that game!" I called 6 over for a minute. Whine - "but mom, we're just pretending!" I let it go.

I can't watch 24 hours a day. I cannot stop my tomboy from playing super heroes and bad guys with the boys. All I can do is talk about what guns do. How they don't solve problems - all they do is injure or kill. I hope she hears me.

I catch her watching the news. "I just want to know what's going on in the world" she says. I have had to frame world events in a manner digestable by a 6 yr old more times than I would like. This thirst for news began with 9/11. We have discussed why countries choose to go to war...always relating it back to a playground situation. War is when countries cannot solve their problems using their words. Some countries are bullies. How do you handle bullies at school?

Her take on it all? Sorry American friends but "George Bush is a goofball." "And so was Hitler!"

You don't really want to hear this, but...

Dear Friend,

I know you are hurt, disappointed and angry with me. You haven't told me directly - that would never happen, because you won't like the honest answer. Instead, I hear from others how wounded you feel and what you perceive my actions to mean.

Let me say this first. This is about me trying to manage my life in the best way possible. It is about me doing the best for my children and my family. It is about trying my best to find balance in my own crazy world. You have never asked what its like for me. Perhaps you do not want to know.

My day starts at 5am. I get up and ready for work. Before leaving the house, I make sure this kitchen is cleaned up and ready for breakfast, or put away any laundry that needs folding. The bus comes at 6am.

By 6:30 I am at my desk. I usually have 50-60 emails to contend with. In this position, everything is a firefight. All requests are immediate - urgent. Keep in mind this is an executive position. Most of the 'firefights' are being monitored by the Directors. Responsiveness and customer service are key. I take one break per day. Usually about 10am I need another coffee. I will take 20 minutes for that. Work straight through lunch. AT 3pm I logoff and run to the subway. A delay of any more than 2 minutes will make me miss the bus connection at the other end. Always need to have $10.00 in my pocket in case I am delayed and need to grab a cab to be at school on time.
3:30pm school lets out. Another mother watches 6 until I arrive at 3:40 - except on Tuesdays when I cannot be late - there is no one to look out for her. I try to let 6 play after school. It's good to have a chance to let loose at the end of the day. I might get 15 minutes to speak with other moms and find out what is going on in OUR school.
4pm - drag 6 out of the school and run home to pick up the van. Worry that we are 'late'. Even with a 5pm pick-up agreement, we have been considered late at 4:15 or 4:30 depending on what you had planned for the night. Drive to your house to pick up 4. Try to give kids a few minutes to play with yours - depending on schedules. Sometimes 6 has karate. I know you don't believe in the school I signed her up for. You made that clear. Parks and Recreation should be good enough, you said. Sorry to disappoint you again. I made the right choice for my child. She is happy there.

I go home and get everyone to their games/appointments etc. I make dinner every night. I am responsible for homework, baths, cleaning and cooking and laundry. I am tired by 11pm.

Weekends are busy too. I hear you are upset you have not been invited over and have made a point of naming children who have been at our home on play dates. Let me explain...

My kids do not get much opportunity to play with kids from our shool. We live on a busy street. There is no chance they could go out and play with other kids on the street. Play dates must be arranged. I want them to have friends - particularly 6 who has such difficulty socially. It makes no sense for them to spend all their time with children from your neighbourhood. They need friends from their own too. I am doing my best to provide this for them. And guess what? I would like to have family time too. How to fit that in? How can I fit in visits to grandparents aunts, uncles and cousins? Where is the time?

I am sorry you feel slighted. That was never my intention. I wish you would talk to me directly and honestly instead of being argumentative and negative everytime I speak with you. I do not have the energy to be the only adult in this relationship. Yes, I am putting my kids with another caregiver in the Fall. Yes, I have signed them up for camp for 2 weeks this summer. Yes, I will be taking holidays as well. Sorry if you are unhappy. This is not about getting away from you, excluding you or abandoning you. It is about growth and experience for my family.

And yes, I would like to get our friendship back on track.

A minor

The wonderful world of blog seems to create a network of cyber pals. I have seen the comments back and forth on each other's blogs and envy their connections. It's funny how I don't seem to be able to fit in here either. I have made tentative ventures to read some amazingly well-written and insightful works and even commented briefly. But I remain relatively obscure. Isolated and alone. It bothers me sometimes, that 'freak' feeling like you are perpetually out of sync with the world. I am used to being solitary - identified as socially retarded. From infant to adult just slightly out of step - watching, listening outside and unseen.

today

Change is swirling all around. Life feels frantic - jumping from one event to another. Dance recitals, picture day, soccer games, swimming lessons, camp (x3)...

New job starts in 2 weeks. I'm feeling happy, excited, anxious, sad and disappointed at the same time. The new position has great possibilities and I always look forward to defining a new role, but I haven't finished my old job yet. I love what I do. It's not in any way glamorous or important but it challenges my brain and keeps me involved in something outside myself. It's funny to see what role work plays in people's lives. For some it defines them. Title, status, respect all necessary - I wonder who they are at home. Balance is my goal. I've made it very clear that my job cannot engulf me. I will work hard. I will excel. And I will leave it at the office when the day is over.

My partner is stressing over work. Hours may change. Responsibilities could shift. What has been for 20 years is no longer the only way. After 20 years, change is very difficult. We'll just have to see where it goes.

New daycare in the fall. I am happy. It's close to school so both kids can play after school as long as they want without me pushing to meet the end of day timelines of a distant daycare.
A few more minutes to breathe in the day.

Kids are signed up for camps. Science and nature for the 'bug girl' - oops - correction - entomologist. Drama/dance camp for the 'princess'. They'll have a ball!

killer snails

Poor 6 has been escalating lately. She blames it on stress...can be such an insightful child...

Last week was bad. She has all the signs of beginning another UTI (one year infection free and I thought we were in the clear). Anyways, she looks so tired and is just not right in her skin - know that feeling? Had 2 'accidents' at school last week - not good as she is in a split grade 1/2 where she is the youngest child and some of the others are 8 1/2. Her teacher was good about it but there is still much embarrassment.

So we got home from school after a particularly bad day and find a dead fish in the tank, attached to the bottom of a snail. Breakdown.

We left the tank as is to go pick up 4 at daycare. Came home to find the fish engulfed in the snail's mouth (?). Too gross for words!

Shrieks ensued - along with hysterical sobbing. The mystery of the missing fish has been solved. We have been housing a Killer Snail in the tank with our fish. Self recrimination - she did not know about killer snails. It ate all the fish who disappeared - even Speedy - the fish she loved! 40 minutes of unconsolable crying. I felt so bad.

The snail has been removed - sentenced to a lifetime of solitary confinement in an old beta fish tank.

6 is still uneven. Such an intense kid. Where's the magic wand that's supposed to come with this job?

grandparents

Grandma called last night. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thankyou...".

I was surprised that she actually let me provide, cook, serve and clean up after Mother's Day dinner. This is a woman who is the ultimate hostess. Everyone who enters her home is treated to food, drink and loving care. She expects to serve all who visit - in fact, I don't remember another occasion when she allowed someone to look after her.

At 88 and 91, my grandparents are still vibrant, active people who reside on their 82 acre farm. They manage all household tasks alone and do not ask for anything except occasional assistance with a light bulb change. The property surrounding the house is maintained by them - riding along on their his and hers tractors cutting the lawn.

Grandpa is severely arthritic and Grandma is losing her sight but it does not keep them down. They are opening the pool again this year for all the great-grandkids to enjoy - the house will be teeming with people this summer!

These two people have my greatest admiration and respect. Their ethics and values have been passed along to my generation - we are all honorable people thanks to them.

It was a good Mother's Day. I'm happy Grandma accepted what was offered and enjoyed it!

mother's day

Breakfast in bed
flowers, flowers, flowers
a new ironing board!!
home made cards

a trip to great-grandma's
kids planned dinner - home made pizza, spaghetti, salad and a mother's day cake
we cooked. great-grandma had a break.

caught 2 caterpillars and a funny green bug.
the sun was shining.

bedtime.

"happy mother's day! when is kids' day?"

*smile*

6

I knew there was a problem when I got a long hug in the school yard.

Request to go see the teacher - brought 6 along. She dragged her feet, wouldn't tell me what happened - other kids might hear. We found a quiet spot and she filled me in on the day.

She was sent to the principal's office for stabbing another child with a pencil! The principal stopped me in the hallway and directed me to the teacher. Both the teacher and the principal were very kind to 6. I am surprised they were so gentle - she could have been suspended...

What happened?

Another child in the group was whispering. 6 assumed he was saying bad things about her. She was worried, hurt and angry about the perceived insult. Told him she was angry and felt like she was going to squash him. He continued to whisper. She took a pencil and pushed it into his hand leaving a mark and a red spot. She's strong. I'll bet it hurt.

So the teacher and principal have told her how to handle her anger in the future - like she has never heard at home that violent behaviour is completely unacceptable. We have never talked about what your body feels like when you are angry, how to calm yourself down, alternatives to hitting/kicking/punching/sctatching/biting...

Home. I am so frustrated/angry/hurt/saddened. My mutant DNA kicks in and I want to scream, yell, kick things, remove every privelege she has and confine her to an empty room for the next 50 years. Instead, I call 'the ear'. Need a voice of reason.

So, the punishment is:

• write letters of apology to the teacher and principal as well as the child she hurt
• no bedtime stories for a week
• no playing after school for a week

I know that the kid is overtired. Not an excuse, but a contributing factor. She is also reacting to the potential change for me. I sail through change compared to her. As much as I have reassured, there is still some fear I will be at work instead of at the school at 3:30 each day.

Hope I have made the right choices. I guess if there is another incident, we'll have to step it up.

What karma am I living here?

A life sandwiched by violent behaviour.

you might want to re-phrase...

lunch.

walked past 2 impeccably groomed women at an outpost selling chocolate.

"Two dollars for chocolate! Support Violence Against Women in Canada!"

no one is buying.

maybe I should have said something.

change

change is coming and it scares me.

It doesn't matter that I am the facilitator of the change - still scared. I spoke with a friend at coffee today. We must share a brain. He 'gets' me...understands my fear of being discovered, the need to fly just under the radar so you can't be seen, fear of not meeting your self-imposed impossibly high standards. He understands the fear that the responsibility of a bigger pay check will weigh too heavily and impair life outside the cubicle. So we talk and I feel understood and supported and more confident.

Thanks L!

i hope this is hormones!

There is a lump in my throat as I type - close to tears and fighting the downward drag of gravity turned up too high.

There is no reason for this. I remember my aunt claiming to be "Menopause Minnie" - "I cry when the jell-o doesn't set" she said. She's always been funny.

Went for a walk - marginally better now.

Feeling a sense of lonliness - am losing my former best friend somehow due to perceived insult on her part. Tried to talk it out but she is angry and doesn't hear. I am tired. Don't have the energy to entertain her family when it's all I can do to get through each day with mine. There is so much competition with her. I hate competition. Our kids are all unique - each with strengths and weaknesses - let's find the good in them all and celebrate it. I feel like one of those gophers in the Wack-a-Mole game. Each time I poke my head above ground she thumps me on the head!

We recently attended a workshop together on how to help kids with friendships. One of the tasks was to place people in a circle according to their level of friendship. There was a moment when she expressed that her true friends agreed with her opinion in all matters - bing - the light went on. I don't agree. I don't qualify as a friend. I don't want to argue over who's right all the time. This whole situation saddens me because I'm about to widen the gulf between us.

Right now, she looks after my kids. Daycare/babysitting/whatever. I am going to make a change in the Fall and put them somewhere closer to their school. Can't think of how to make this move okay with her. I need to do this to make my life easier. She's going to see this as abandonment. I just know it. :(

RTBWMS

Watched the new Rosie O'Donnell movie last night. Both kids insisted on staying up. I was determined to watch the show, so did not insist that they go to bed at a decent hour. (Bad Mommy - I'll pay when they're exhausted tonight!)

It was interesting to see both their reactions. Don't know whether they were so different because of age or temperment...

The 6 year old was adament that she should watch. "But I LOVE Rosie O'Donnell! Remember I used to watch her when I was little..." Okay in reality she likes to watch Rosie, but part of the whine was an attempt to manipulate her way out of bed :0)

She was completely engrossed, but confused about what happened to Rosie. Why does she talk that way? Is Rosie really like that now? I tried to explain that sometimes a baby's brain gets hurt and the disablilty is dependent on the part of the brain that was hurt. She is still concerned that Rosie O'Donnell hurt her brain and now spends her day riding a bus, speaking loudly.

She couldn't quite seem to comprehend why you would want to act like that. Why does she want to ride the bus all the time? Hard questions to answer...

My 4 year old was completely in tune with Beth. When Beth was sad, she cried for her. When Beth was happy, she was happy too. She said the movie made her sad. Not enough people were nice to Beth. And her dad died.

I would like to see the movie again without having to discuss each scene as it occurs. Just sit back and take it in as an adult.