You don't really want to hear this, but...

Dear Friend,

I know you are hurt, disappointed and angry with me. You haven't told me directly - that would never happen, because you won't like the honest answer. Instead, I hear from others how wounded you feel and what you perceive my actions to mean.

Let me say this first. This is about me trying to manage my life in the best way possible. It is about me doing the best for my children and my family. It is about trying my best to find balance in my own crazy world. You have never asked what its like for me. Perhaps you do not want to know.

My day starts at 5am. I get up and ready for work. Before leaving the house, I make sure this kitchen is cleaned up and ready for breakfast, or put away any laundry that needs folding. The bus comes at 6am.

By 6:30 I am at my desk. I usually have 50-60 emails to contend with. In this position, everything is a firefight. All requests are immediate - urgent. Keep in mind this is an executive position. Most of the 'firefights' are being monitored by the Directors. Responsiveness and customer service are key. I take one break per day. Usually about 10am I need another coffee. I will take 20 minutes for that. Work straight through lunch. AT 3pm I logoff and run to the subway. A delay of any more than 2 minutes will make me miss the bus connection at the other end. Always need to have $10.00 in my pocket in case I am delayed and need to grab a cab to be at school on time.
3:30pm school lets out. Another mother watches 6 until I arrive at 3:40 - except on Tuesdays when I cannot be late - there is no one to look out for her. I try to let 6 play after school. It's good to have a chance to let loose at the end of the day. I might get 15 minutes to speak with other moms and find out what is going on in OUR school.
4pm - drag 6 out of the school and run home to pick up the van. Worry that we are 'late'. Even with a 5pm pick-up agreement, we have been considered late at 4:15 or 4:30 depending on what you had planned for the night. Drive to your house to pick up 4. Try to give kids a few minutes to play with yours - depending on schedules. Sometimes 6 has karate. I know you don't believe in the school I signed her up for. You made that clear. Parks and Recreation should be good enough, you said. Sorry to disappoint you again. I made the right choice for my child. She is happy there.

I go home and get everyone to their games/appointments etc. I make dinner every night. I am responsible for homework, baths, cleaning and cooking and laundry. I am tired by 11pm.

Weekends are busy too. I hear you are upset you have not been invited over and have made a point of naming children who have been at our home on play dates. Let me explain...

My kids do not get much opportunity to play with kids from our shool. We live on a busy street. There is no chance they could go out and play with other kids on the street. Play dates must be arranged. I want them to have friends - particularly 6 who has such difficulty socially. It makes no sense for them to spend all their time with children from your neighbourhood. They need friends from their own too. I am doing my best to provide this for them. And guess what? I would like to have family time too. How to fit that in? How can I fit in visits to grandparents aunts, uncles and cousins? Where is the time?

I am sorry you feel slighted. That was never my intention. I wish you would talk to me directly and honestly instead of being argumentative and negative everytime I speak with you. I do not have the energy to be the only adult in this relationship. Yes, I am putting my kids with another caregiver in the Fall. Yes, I have signed them up for camp for 2 weeks this summer. Yes, I will be taking holidays as well. Sorry if you are unhappy. This is not about getting away from you, excluding you or abandoning you. It is about growth and experience for my family.

And yes, I would like to get our friendship back on track.