my evil side

A side note to yesterday's rather long history of my relationship with my father...

I was watching Six Feet Under when I received the call that my father had died of a heart attack. Strange. My brother made the call. He had a tormented relationship as well but never managed to detach, so he was a bit of a mess - his grief was huge.

The funeral was held in Northern Ontario. There was no question of whether or not I should attend. Both my siblings had a relationship with the man, so out of respect for them I made the arrangements to fly. Both siblings would be staying with 'family' - step family to be exact. I was not welcome, so I booked a hotel.

It was awkward to say the least. Who knows what kind of horror story I was described as. I am sure the 'family' anticipated a meeting with the devil. I took my then 4 yr old along to act as my human shield. It is alot easier to manage in stressful times when your focus is caring for someone else. She was aware that my father and I were not speaking. I had told her that sometimes people just do not like each other much even though they are related...

Arrived at the destination and was met by a friend of the family who offered to drive us to the hotel. We went to the funeral home later that night.

My father had many friends. He was a good friend - generous and caring. He just didn't have it in him to extend those qualities to his children. I don't think his friends had any idea who he was to us. I was obviously an ungrateful, sick and twisted human being who could not appreciate the loving, decent man he was.

It is a strange situation to be in when you are surrounded with people filled with the raw pain of new grief. My grief was past. So I walked among the wounded like a visiting alien. Curious, saddened - but removed.

During the funeral, the minister gave an opportunity for anyone who felt compelled to speak - eulogise the deceased. I have to admit that the evil side of me wanted to get up - not to say anything bad - just to enjoy the gasped intake of breath of mourners anticipating what havoc I might cause. I remained seated. But the thought was fun - for a moment...