i hope this is hormones!

There is a lump in my throat as I type - close to tears and fighting the downward drag of gravity turned up too high.

There is no reason for this. I remember my aunt claiming to be "Menopause Minnie" - "I cry when the jell-o doesn't set" she said. She's always been funny.

Went for a walk - marginally better now.

Feeling a sense of lonliness - am losing my former best friend somehow due to perceived insult on her part. Tried to talk it out but she is angry and doesn't hear. I am tired. Don't have the energy to entertain her family when it's all I can do to get through each day with mine. There is so much competition with her. I hate competition. Our kids are all unique - each with strengths and weaknesses - let's find the good in them all and celebrate it. I feel like one of those gophers in the Wack-a-Mole game. Each time I poke my head above ground she thumps me on the head!

We recently attended a workshop together on how to help kids with friendships. One of the tasks was to place people in a circle according to their level of friendship. There was a moment when she expressed that her true friends agreed with her opinion in all matters - bing - the light went on. I don't agree. I don't qualify as a friend. I don't want to argue over who's right all the time. This whole situation saddens me because I'm about to widen the gulf between us.

Right now, she looks after my kids. Daycare/babysitting/whatever. I am going to make a change in the Fall and put them somewhere closer to their school. Can't think of how to make this move okay with her. I need to do this to make my life easier. She's going to see this as abandonment. I just know it. :(