just rambling

the theme of loss is resounding in my life. i know what i have - acknowledge the positives - yet there are threads of unfinished 'business' constantly rumbling through my mind. they tangle together and create such a huge sense of self censoring.

am i a good enough mother? my kids deserve so much - i worry i am failing them in some way by not being a good enough example.

i purport that i am a loyal friend, yet cannot summon the strength to continue to support my friend Deb, who is killing herself with delusion and inertia. spoke my truth to her - can't get through and don't have the guts to stand by and watch her life ebb away...

my father haunts me. even death has not ended the mess he managed to make. still getting government mail addressed to him at my home. still don't know if they ever truly cleared up the financial stuff his fraud created. will i find out at 65 when i have no government pension?

i still hear the words spoken as 'A' lay dying. "I thought you'd say you'd take her..." after the life support was removed. my biggest failure.

maybe its mothers day approaching - the anniversary of lost children - my first 2 gone. 'A' lost at 2 1/2 and 'B' gone to a new home.

all this rumbling in the back of my mind...

fighting the grey blanket.

tune it out.

time to be productive.

get to work.