if i had...

Well, since this is just a thought repository I will feel free to ramble on with no concern about how it reads...

I've been mulling over where I am in my life and how to get a little of it back. Being a Mom is wonderful and the job is paying for necessities. However, sometime in the past 6 years I have lost my connection to the things that are for me. I no longer dance - in fact, the kids think I am have no talent what-so-ever. I have no desire to go back to my bun-head obsessed days, but can't think of many things that settle my soul as much as the thought of the first class of the day. Sun streaming through the window, resin marked wood floors, the feel of the barre under your hand, muscles loosening and the sound of the piano - I can go back there in an instant in my mind. Reality check. Body stuffed into tights and leotard, big t-shirt covering all sins, tight muscles quivering with exertion, stiff arthritic body refusing to cooperate with my mind...

Miss my pilates classes too. Too many times I had to miss a class to stay home. Not enough $$ to pay for class and a babysitter. priorities? Tried to discipline myself to use a video to work out. Pilates is hard work. Harder still with a 60 lb weight on your back. Now add a 40 lb squirming gigglepuss clinging to one leg. Can't be done. I have to get back though. This does not feel like my body!

Got an offer yesterday to train in 6's Karate Academy for one month free. Karate compliments ballet they say. Couldn't even begin to attempt it unless I was in better shape! Two bloated knees might be an impediment...still thinking though...

And if I had $$$ I would still open a group home for neurologically impaired kids. My friend T and I had this dream after A died. A home for kids whose parents were having difficulty coping with the medical and emotional challenges of raising them. A comfortable place filled with colour and light. Heated pool accessible for swimming (have to have a pool - A was my little Esther Williams...). Kid friendly staff and volunteers. A snoozelin room on site. Offer respite care as well as permanent housing.

perhaps one day...