We're off

out of town this weekend - going to see Bernadette Peters! 6 syas she's her favourite performer. It is a crazy impulsive thing to do - dragging both kids on a 6 hour jaunt to see a Saturday night show - then back again Sundday.

I am sure it will be worth the trip,

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Medical leave

It has been one week since I was at work. Today began week 2 of my medical leave. I am off due to the problem I have had with my hand/wrist for the past 10 weeks - as well as the anxiety provoked by the toxic environment of my current workplace.

Week one was slow - not much you can do while resting your right hand. I spent 2 days working on a spreadsheet I had sent home to myself, then did little of anything save chauffeuring the kids to school and activities. The kids are thrilled with the novelty of having me at home - I am sure it will wear off soon.

J had to go back out of town for 4 days to deal with the house that has been left to her as part of the inherited estate. It seems someone with a key had presumed to let themself into the house and help themself to whatever they felt they were entitiled to! For security and insurance purposes, J had to drive the 6 hour trek to install a new lock. At least now her aged parents can feel a bit more at ease when they check on the house every 48 hours...

This week brings a new feeling. I want to get some things done around here. Winter clothing needs to be stored and last year's spring/summer clothing needs to be unpacked. I highly doubt that 6 will fit into anything she had last year. She is 4'4" and weighs 75 lbs! She and I can both wear a boy's size 12! Fortunately, we have different styles...

I want to spend some time in my garden. My house is in need of a major cleaning! I want some time to think, breathe and just exist without any pressing responsibilities!

Heard from my boss today. They have managed to hire someone to replace me in my old management job. For 3 months they tried to find someone. I was off for one week and miraculously a viable candidate emerged. Interesting don't you think? I wonder how they will respond to my resignation? I plan on giving a generous 6 weeks notice on my return to work next week. With luck, 6 weeks will fly by!

The way we were...

The late 80's. We were celebrating Christmas in July with a couple of our friends. I guess I was trying to replicate Grandpa's tradition of trying on all my gifts for photos!

Mothers

How many mothers are out there who are parenting with the intention not to be anything like their own mothers? I am sure I am not the only one...

I grew up telling myself "I will not do this to my children!" "I will not act like that!"

As I got older I found there were some aspects of my mother looking back at me from the mirror. Some things I actually admiired...hmmm...

Easter Sunday. Mom's house. She has painted her walls again - or at least 3 of her walls...I was warned. "Don't let the children touch the walls! The paint takes 30 days to cure." I warned the kids. They have no idea that Grandma can be a mental case over cleanliness and order!

Well guess what? Someone touched a wall - and the mother I grew up with emerged. The one who freaked out about sweaty footprints, hand prints and dust on the carpet. The parent who would dump everything you owned in a pile on your bedroom floor to teach you a lesson about folding your clothes neatly. It is so easy to be transported back! I just wanted to leave.

4 hid behind the couch downstairs and sobbed. 6 buried her head in her gameboy. J just looked at me in astonishment.

Phone call with apology this morning. I will have to repaint the wall for her.

Mothers!

No bunny available.

So, Happy Easter from Jane the Easter Rat!

She refused to wear a bonnet!

a few good things...

6 gets a weekly report from school. It lists a few expectations for behaviour and lists how the student manages against each item. We have never had a report that said she had a good week - UNTIL yesterday!! Every item was checkmarked and the comment was "A good week". The note was stapled to a certificate celebrating extra effort. 6 was commended on her effort to work independently and success last week. She was thrilled. Showwed the certificate to fellow students and their parents alike. It was great that the teacher took special note of her efforts!

On top of the good week at school, 6 also managed to get herself added to the list of karate promotion candidates for this month! She has attended regularly for the past 2 weeks and is now on the promotion list! Amazingly, so is her sister!

4 has her own karate technique. A punch is usually a strong, tight fisted movement executed from a strong stance. In 4's theatrical world, a punch is a movement where you swing your arm out front with your wrist bent and your hand in a loose fist. While swinging your arm, you drop your weight onto the opposite leg, sitting into your hip. A bored expression is also a requirement of this move. People are so amused by this child that parents of kids not being promoted are planning to attend the promotion ceremony to see the '4 show'! Unfortunately, J will be away that weekend - boxing up some of her godmother's possessions.

For me, yesterday was a cleaning day. I took every piece of paper in my office that was not current or historically relevant and tossed it in the blue bin. (threw all the crap away). I was hoping that this purging would make working manageable for the coming few months. ..Also got a doctor's note to be off for the next 2 weeks - until reassessment. Aloong with the stress from work, it turns out the pain in my right hand for the past 3 months is due to tendonitis. No wonder it has been getting increasingly difficult to even hold a pencil. The remedy for this ailment? Rest. I was up last night from 3 - 5am tossing, turning, thinking, worrying, rationalizing, planning, chastising myself. I am not sure I can actually take 2 weeks off. Too much to do at work - but at least now I have a legitimate option...

all should be well but...

I have having tremendous struggles with work.

You would think that with the latest good news, I would be able to move forward with a big smile on my face and deal with anything thrown my way.

Instead, I am having panic attacks daily on my way to work. I am shaking, nauseous, finding it hard to catch my breath - all tied to the unbearable culture of failure and blame here. Despite the fact that there is going to be a change in July, I can barely make it through the day here now.

In every job I have ever undertaken, I have over-achieved. I have raised the bar and succeeded far beyond expectations. Here I fail day after day. The anxiety is making me unable to focus. I know I am ineffective and were I my own boss, I would fire myself.

Doctor's appointment tonight. I may be able to go on a stress leave. Just need some time to ground and recharge myself....

Is this huge falure?

animals

Every once in awhile we get reminded that our house full of furry, lovable pets is really a house full of animals subject to the laws of nature.

Friday night we discovered we had lost a pet rat. Not lost as in cannot find it. Lost as in dead. J and I made the discovery when we noticed that there were only 4 sets of paws climbing the cage walls...She counted and approached cautiously - then scrambled back. "I think I saw a tail." she gagged.

I am the animal barf cleaner, medicine doser and dead animal removal crew. Don't as why - the position was never officially declared mine - just happened over the years. So I got to investigate further. Sure enough, Zig Zag, the smallest rat was gone. Not only gone, but consumed. I will not go into any further detail. Suffice it to say it was enormously disgusting!

After the cage was cleaned, we told 6 about the loss of her pet. She sobbed for 2 hours and held all her other rats - reassuring them she would not let anything happen to them. So sad, but at least she wasn't the one to make the discovery!

Every once in awhile we have to be reminded that these are animals.

more 4...

4 has decided on her future career. She is going to be a famous singer. Interesting...

The child does not sing particularly well, however, she sings EVERYTHING! Last night, she sang a 20 minute aria based on her sister's subtraction flash cards. Imagine this with a somewhat tuneless, but extremely animated delivery....

"Eleven take away eight is easy as pie. The answer is always the same. If you have eleven and you take away eight, the answer is three. It's easy you see..."

on
and
on
and
on
and
on...

Sure she's be famous - in a new music genre. Who sings mathematical equations?!

wedding guest?

6 and 4 were playing nicely together tonight after dinner. They were drawing pictures of 4 and her "one true love" at their wedding. 6 drew a very detailed picture with 2 people holding hands, a heart between them, x's and o' across the page, a big orange sun in the sky and a rainbow over the bride and groom. . As usual, 4 copied her sister's idea onto her own page. "Why don't you create your own picture?" I ask. "i'm not copying her!" exclaimed an idignant 4. "I'm not going to draw a rainbow. Instead, I'm going to draw a wedding ho." ""A wedding ho?" I asked. "Yes, you know, there's always one at a wedding!" explained 4.

Ah yes, the wedding ho...

:)

6

This is my oldest girl. She is extremely bright and sensitive. My scientist, perfectionist. This is a girl who works hard at everything she does. "I don't give up" is her motto.

This week she had a few hard lessons to learn. Her report card last week had an appalling comment - to the effect that she could only be productive when she was constantly encouraged by the teacher. It was also noted that this neediness could not be met in a classroom setting, and if it did not change immediately, her future was in jeopardy.

How do you teach a perfectionist child to let go of perfection and just put her ideas on paper?! I spoke with her about putting thoughts on paper immediately, then scanning later for editing purposes. I have started doing alot of improv games with the girls. Quick response, whatever comes out is workable, silly fun stuff. I am going to make up a game for putting it on paper. Maybe something where we work on a story together. I do one sentence and she does the next one. See how crazy it can be...

She had to learn a lesson in 'gambling' this week. Decided to battle Yuh-Gi-Oh with a grade 5 boy. He insisted on playing "keepsies" - although the school rule is to always allow trade-backs. She lost her most prizeed card. One of the parents suggested I take it up with the stafff so she could get her card back, but as far as I am concerned, it all ties into taking responsibility for your own actions and the consequences of your actions. She's okay with it. (whew!)

Another hard thing this week is that all lthe kids in her karate class who are at the same level wil be promoted at the end of the month - all but 6. We missed a few classes because she was being awkward about getting homework done, and one week when J was away. Now she will be one belt behind the others. I am trying to tie it all together. If you cannot do your homework in a timely manner when asked, we cannot go to karate. If you do not go to karate regularly, you cannot be promoted with the others. She's smart but stubborn. Eventually it will all ffall into place.

...I hope...