7 years old...

Quotes from my supposed 'severely socially challenged child':

"Uncle G is not rich you know."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he is good at drawing and writing - I guess he's rich in talent. He's just not rich in money."

"Michael gets growing pains too, you know., but no one does anything about it."
"Does his mother know he has pains?"
"Yes, but she's too busy to do anything about it. I think that's why Michael's behaviour is so bad. I think he thinks nobody cares about him!"

"Do you know what I do when he starts his bad behaviour?"
"No, what do you do?"
"I try to distract him. I say what's your favourite Pokemon or something so he will stop what he is doing."

I see empathy and insight in her observations. Is this just motherly pride?

Last night she was busy downstairs for about an hour. Her sister was enjoying some one on one time with me, but I thought I'd better check out what was going on. Found the child with both computers going. On one, she was making personalized Valentines cards using a Publishing program. The other was downloading music. She was creating CD's for Valentines gifts - all individualized to suit everyones taste in music. God, this kid reminds me of myself!!

We are so similar in nature, it would be difficult to imagine a birth child being more suited to this family. In the nature versus nurture debate, I am sure that some would attribute the similarities to nurture - they'd be wrong. It is remarkable to me that we came together as family!

photo Sunday - I want to play!

Trying to think of what year this might be...1980? perhaps...Christmas day.

At every family occasion, Grandpa has to have some crazy picture of himself taken. Usually Christmas meant that he would gather all his gifts and wear them, or drape them over himself to display all his 'loot'! This particular year, he shared his gifts with Grandma an d me. It was a bad year for the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. They were on a terrible losing streak - thus the bag over G'ma's head. Grandma had also recently had eye surgery and was very self conscientious about her looks, and this was about the only way to get a picture of her!


I was not dancing at this time - knee surgery had interfered with my dream of becoming a ballerina, and I was working at a gas station until I could determine what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I had gained alot of weight, felt terminally greasy, dirty and smelled of gasoline fumes. I remember desperately trying to achieve some feeling of feminity. The loss of dance felt to me like the loss of my feminine side. Thus the horrific dress pictured here. It really was a monstrosity. Black and white taffeta with huge leg of mutton sleeves. Too many bows and flounces to really look good on me. At the time, I felt quite spectacular in the dress. Makes me laugh now!

kudos for kids...and decisions made

6 was promoted in Karate tonight. She is now a very proud red belt and has reached a level where she is entitled to wear a blue gi. Quite a night for a girl who is usually very shy about performing in public! She practced her kata all week and did an admirable job!

And on another note, took out her homework folder tonight and found enclosed a note asking permission to submit a peom she had written to the annual school district publication! Her work was chosen out of many submissions by the staff of the school - not just her teacher! I am so proud of my girl!

4 will also be sporting a new belt to her Karate class tomorrow morning. She has completed a cycle of 12 classes and now wears a white belt with a yellow stripe! She feels promoted - despite the fact you are given a new belt regardless of progress after attending 12 classes. She's proud of herself too!

Stopped by her teacher in the hall on Wednesday. Congratulations for turning around her behaviour in class! She has been listening much better and is challenging herself in class more. Her teacher offered her congratulations to 4 in my presense. Something more to celebrate!

For myself, I have come to the conclusion that the promotion I took in July is more headache than it is worth. I heard about an expansion of my old department this week and went directly to my old boss to ask to be considered. He is thrilled to have me back (whew!). Spoke with my current boss later in the day and advised him of my interest/intent. He wants to have a discussion about my 'career' with me. They all know I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder, but no one seems to understand my seeming complacency with doing a great job at a moderate level of manamgement. Struggling for competency in a higher paying job is not worth it to me. My kids are only going to be this age once. Why on earth would I want to be half committed to their development due to my job stress?!

Announcement made on Thursday. The company I work for has been sold. Could be an interesting ride!

about Sunday

Baby A was my neice. She was born with trisomy 13 and given a bleak prognosis. Told she would be a dishrag - unable to know anyone and would die within 1 week.

I spent every day caring for her. She is the reason I have kids today.

The 'poem' is actually part of they lyrics for a song from 'Wicked'. The song makes me cry - and think of A...

And then there were 2

Little red girls. Both covered with flat, rough red rash from neck to knees! Better yet? It itches!!

Had 6 at the clinic last night until 10:30pm. I knew she needed antibiotics and was not prepared to wait another day. Pharmacy had run out of the necessary med - I got enough for 3 doses and will have to return tonight for the remainder.

There is no thrill associated with missing school. 6 will miss her friends. She is also quite anxious about missing this week in Karate. She is scheduled for promotion this Friday - getting her red belt and a new blue gi. Let's hope the rash dies down before Fri.

Took 4 to school this morning as she is wired with energy, has no fever and in not considered contagious after 48 hours of antibiotics. Supply teacher at the door - I explained that 4 had been given benadryl for itching and may be distracted, or tired today. Also explained why.
You'd think I'd said the kid had Ebola! She freaked and asked me 14 times if I was sure she could come to school. Serves me right. I should have said nothing to the woman...

Oh yes, forgot to mention that 4 was married on Friday to her friend Aidan. She took her long white dress-up dress with her to Daycare and they had a wedding there.
Wonder if her new hubby has scarlet fever too?

Baby A

May 7, 1995 - January 22, 1998

"It may be
That we will never meet again
in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart"

"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...
I have been changed for good."



"For Good"
Stephen Schwartz

and today's disease is...

Scarlet fever!!

4 complained yesterday of a sore throat. Hurt to swallow, she claimed, but it did not stop her from chattering non-stop. She was a bit codl/feverish (101F temp). This morning, her throat still hurts, and she is complaining of itching on her tummy and back. Took a look and there is a bright red, flat rash all over her torso. It extended under her arms and sown to the elbows.

Took her to a walk-in clinic. Doctor took one look and diagnoses scarlet fever. i didn't even know that disease was still out there! She is highly contagious and keeping here separated from her sister has been a challenge today.

She has no appetite, but her energy level hasn't diminished much. 24 hours of antibiotics and she should be able to interact with other kids without fear of passing the infection along.

Tonight, 6's throat is sore. hurts to swallow. Looks like round 2 approaches.

When is January over? I am not liking this month too much.

not a stellar mommy moment

Playing reading games on the computer last night and 6 comes up with a rhyme that her friend at school told her. He's a funny guy - this is a funny poem she says.

"Me Chinese. Me no dumb. Me stick finger up dad's bum."

Flames shoot out of the top of my head. Instant reaction. I remain calm(ish) for a few minutes.

"I don't think that's funny. I think it's offensive", I say. "Do you know anyone who is Chinese? How would they feel if they heard that?"

"He's not trying to be offensive. He's funny."

on a roll now "What if you change Chinese to Jamaican - how do you feel?"

"I'm Jamaican. I don't care. Ok it's offensive. It's still kind of funny."

"No it's not. It's not funny when it is making fun of someone's heritage"

I am sure at this point I had gotten my point across. This is the kid who would vote NDP. Her social conscience is strong.

Still I persist until I am sick of hearing myself harp.

Is this just a normal kid thing - working out what is funny from what is not? I am sure the funny thing about it all is the word 'bum'. Don't quite know when this type of humour dies down, but we are still in a time when poo jokes rule the world...

I know I did not handle this well. The reaction was immediate and strong. Sure hit a nerve!

weight loss

the lousy way. Managed to pick up a bug of some sort. I do not need or want to lose weight, but for 2 days can barely keep down water.

The tv babysits.

ugh!

fun and games

When I have been gone for a day and a half, the kids are all over me for attention. We have developed a new (wildly fun game) called long vowel, short vowel. 4 doesn't tire of this.

"You be the short vowel." she says. I have to stand on one side of the hall and call out the short vowel sound. If she can call the long vowel sound for the same letter and reach the other wall before I touch her, she wins. If she gets "caught", she gets to be the short vowel.

We have some strange games in our household!

6 is completing her first book report. One of her favourite parts of the book was insect haiku with a scorpion's comments (ie. pretentious, redundant etc.). We spent an hour talking about and writing our own haiku yesterday.

We now have 5 rats. The 2 new babies came home around Christmas. One of them developed a sneeze and was making congested sounds last week. 6 had trouble sleeping for the worry. We took the rat to the vets. Sure enough, she has an upper respiratory infection and needs antibiotics. 'Winter' is regaining her health, and I am $70. 00 poorer.

Vet recommended we separate the 2 babies, so we tried to convert the gerbil cage into 2 apartments. Zig zag on the bottom level, Winter on the upper floor. The square hole between the two levels was filled with a round food bowl. The only available space was a small triangular space where the circle and square did not overlap.

10pm. Screaming child. Cage rattling. Winter's head is stuck between the bowl and the cage and she is squeaking in pain and anxiety. Can't move the bowl - rat is strangling. Saved the day with wire cutters. Rat was fine, but now we have 2 rats without a cage. There is not pet store open at 10pm. The self-congratulatory elation fades quickly! Now what? We found an old bird cage in the garage and converted it to a rat cage. Whew!

Next day, our 14 year old dog has a trip to the vets. One ear is puffed up – seems to be full of water. Turns out it is filled with blood. The only cure is surgery – to the tune of $500. If left alone, it will eventually dry up and become deformed. I guiltily decide that we can live with a deformed ear.

At the farm, the pain seems to be under control better. New complication is a flare-up of the prostate problem that has been plaguing him for years. Early yesterday his urine is filled with blood. All look to me for direction. “Drink lots of water and we’ll see how it goes” I say. Thankfully, his doctor gave the same advise this morning!

And so begins another week…

legacy?

My mom called last night. I could hear the agitation in her voice - she was at my grandparents house taking care of things again. My mom has been the central person in charge of caring for things since Christmas eve, when Grandpa begain his battle with pain. She's been organized and consistent in her presence. however...

She hates my grandmother. This time spent at the farm has "thrown her back to her childhood" - days of caring for an inebriated mother without the support or thanks of her perfectionist father. She resents her role in the family dynamics. She feels left out - unappreciated.

The past few weeks have been hard. My Grandmother has been shaking and anxious to the point of requiring medication. Took her to the doctors early this week, and 3 different anti-anxiety meds were prescribed. She began taking them and was feeling better. Then on Wednesday night, my grandfather was taken to emergency again. This time, it was for a urinary/prostrate problem. My mom and aunt decided to take him without letting my grandmother know. She was asleep - they let her sleep. They were gone all night.

My grandmother hates to be away from grandpa at night. It scares her. When she found that she had slept through another trip to emergency, she was angry and upset. She will no longer take the anti-anxiety medication. My mother wants to throttle her. (From the outside I can see that they created a situation where grandma feels she cannot sleep as she can't trust them to keep her informed - who know what will happen while she sleeps!)

So they are at odds again. My mom feels she has to parent my grandmother, who is stubbornly resisting my mom.

The strangest thing is that I parented my mother. As a child, I was the person subjected to her rants on my father, brother, her suicidal thoughts. My mother admits I was put in this position.

So here we are again. My mother sent back to her childhood dynamics, is dragging me back to my childhood role with her.

Mothers and daughters. I took a long hard look at my relationship with my 2 girls last night. I do not believe I am perpetuating the legacy. Don't want to make the same mistakes. I do not expect them to parent me. I sure hope they don't feel the weight of adult responsibility too soon.

*sigh*

no rant today

just a few random comments.

The English languarge leadership debate was on TV Monday night. 6 insisted we watch. She questions why children do not have the right to vote. It is her position that all interested people be allowed to cast a ballot in the federal election, and she was going to be prepared. 4 decided to throw in the towel and watch as well.

Normal bedtime was disrupted as we had to have a political discussion for an hour after the debate ended at 10pm. 6 has determined where her vote is going. At first, she considered Paul Martin. He was excited when he talked, and he is not only thinking about the rich people. She was not impressed to hear about the scandal, but claims that if he did not know about it, it's not her fault. That would be like making her teacher accountable for bad behaviour in the classroom that she was unaware of. Steven Harper was not even considered as he plans to make people pay for helath care. If people have to pay, then only the rich people would have access to doctors. Not fair. When I blurted out that he lied about something, she was right on it. That sealed the deal. No lying Prime Minister for her! Jack Layton made the biggest impression. He cares about all people, is concerned about the environment and looks like a happy guy. He smiles alot. (apparently to his favour). She is one funny kid!

Looked outside tonight at the sleds on the grass and the growing puddle that was our skating rink, and felt a little saddened for a moment. Then remembered that if it snows for just one day, the kids will be clamouring to go to the park and sled. One snowfall makes them happy.

The playroom is coming along nicely. I'll have to post pics when its completed!

One more thing...can anyone tell me why children who have been out in the cold come in with lovely rosy cheeks, looking so healthy - yet I end up with nothing but a red runny nose, looking as if I have been drinking too long and too hard!

Jan 10

Grandpa got to see his own doctor yesterday for the first time since Dec 21! He also had a virtually pain-free day ( only one attack). So of course, now they have changed the meds again. Heavy on the pain killers (Duregesic patch AND oxycodone) and have replaced the nortriptyline with a new med -Lyrica pregabalin. Let's hope the change does not cause more pain during the transition time! Meanwhile, the crazies who are my family continue to fight and accuse.

Grandma has been forced to sit in the back hall (unheated) of her house to smoke. They have provided her with a hard plastic chair to perch on. I guess the smoke was getting to them all, so they moved her. IT'S HER HOUSE!

There are rumblings of the need for a nurse. We have a PCW there to help out. My grandparents like her. A nurse could do no more than the PCW, but would cost times as much! I cannot afford to pay for a nurse!

There is also something going on where my aunt and uncle are going to speak with my grandfather's financial advisor. They are trying to get assets liquidated to pay for -who knows what? They are also planning to sell his property.

This has only been 2 weeks. He is in pain. He is not dying. He is not addled and is fully able to make reasonable decisions (when not overcome with a bout of pain). Why we are going to sell his property out from underneath him and send him to a seniors home is beyond me. I don't think it's our place to decide and impose.

My mother calls me daily to complain about her mother. 65 years old and still holding onto accusations of a miserable childhood. Wow!

Illness in a family should bring everyone together. Instead, it divides.

first thing this morning...

I had a phone call from my mother. My grandfather had a really bad night and a few lengthy and intense bouts of pain this morning. The crew who are in charge at present (Grandma, Aunt and cousin) are determined he needs his pain patch changed. This is a duregesic fentynal patch. Hugely strong medication - with a half life of ~ 17 hours. It cannot be changed until tonight! Grandma recalls the doctor saying - "You'll know when he needs another one."

In fact, that quote is from the veterinary assistant who came last week to give the dog his medication. The dog had 4 shots of something to help him with arthritic pain and his hip displasia. We were told that he (the dog) is now on maintenance, and will only need one shot every 4 - 6 weeks. It depends on the animal "You'll know when he needs another one."

Can't help but think this is funny.

I have been asked to chart the pain versus the meds - trying to interperet what is working and what is not. Still on call - still anxious.

Their family doctor is back in the office next week. They have appointments on Monday and Tuesday. Everyone is expecting a miracle to occur on Monday. I don't want to burst their bubble, but it takes a long time to find the right combination and/or level of medication to manage this type of pain - and it can go on for YEARS! I'm back to work on Monday, so will be available only on weekends as necessary...

In the meantime, we have hired a PCW to stay with them from 9am - 4pm weekdays. I have no idea why I am paying for this person to be in attendance (yes, me - no one else has access to liquid funds). There were 4 family members there today aslong with the PCW!

The kids have gone skating with friends tonight. I have a few quiet minutes to do the laundry, paint the playroom and try to creat a pain chart...

Later all!

New year

I guess I'm anxious. Cleaned both girls' bedrooms and added some storage to the princess suite. 6 has the smaller room. Her bedroom is next door to a playroom. In order to make it feel more spacious, we cut an arched walk through between the two rooms last year. She has been asking for the playroom to be painted (like spring) since last year. So tonight we painted. The girls are getting pretty handy with a roller and brush! The playroom loft is now green ( like a tree fort), the rest of the walls are blue - darker at the ceiling, lighter towards the bottom, we have clouds in the sku and light green grass at the bottom of the walls. 6 designed a sun she wants painted on the ceiling around the light fixture, and we found some left over wallpaper of a tree. After we get some of the storeage pieces back in, we can paint the flowers, trees and bugs on the walls.

Strange - I would never think of painting a picture, but have absolutely no hesitation painting on walls!

Grandpa

My grandfather is an amazing man. At 92 he still has all his mental faculties and is able to manage, for the most part independently living on his 82 acre farm. His marriage has lasted 67 years (so far) and despite the bickering that has become habit, he and my grandmother remian together.

One of 5 children, he was an industrious sort from the beginning. He was about 8 when he got his first job, and continued working throughtout his life. The poverty of his childhood and through the war years made him thrifty. He still darns the edges of tattered sweaters and uses things until they are well beyond repair. He has the strongest ethical/moral sense of anyone I have ever met. Independent, intelligent and strong. He is most definitely the glue that holds this family together. Neither he nor my grandmother have much education - grade 8 is about as far as either of them went, but he was inately bright - a good business man and worked long, hard hours to accrue what he has today.

My grandparents were a good example of what I wanted to be like. People say I am a blend of them both - my grandfather's calm logica business mind, and my grandmother's endless compassion.

This past few weeks has been trying for all. With Grandpa suffering so much, and Grandma having panic attacks and anxiety, the family is spiralling out of control. My siblings, have been helpful to the degree they can manage, and my Mom and Aunt have been holding down the fort - reluctantly. My Aunt has been experienceing panic attacks, unable to cope with watching her father in such pain, and my mother has been stoic in managing nights, but anxious to have a break and spend some time in her own home. (She is also missing her boyfriend - who is married - thus available sonly sporatically...)

I do not understand these people. If grandpa is unloading the dishwasher in the middle of the night, they all hover around yapping for him to go lie down. I think if he is unloading disher ( as opposed to helping aliens off a UFO), they should let him do what he can do when he is not in pain. Who knows if this is his routine?! Let the man do what he can manage. He is terrified he is dying. The more hovering, the more fearful and stressed. Stress brings on pain attacks! Wouldn't you think he should have some kind of life beyond sitting waiting for anouther bout of pain?

Instead of rallying around, appreciating what each one of us can do, judgement prevails. My sister couldn't come because she was with her boyfriend, "how selfish". My mother does not clean the house. "How lazy!" My aunt can't handle the pain. "How weak!" My grandmother can't stop shaking "What's WRONG woth her?!" Any keep my brother away from the house -there are opiates vailable. "Can we trust him not to take Grandpa's meds?"

AAAAHHHHH. Don't look for sanity here. Can't be found -except in the one man who is suffering most!