excerpts from my life

day by day, meaningful moments , surviving life in the city with a menagerie of pets and 2 kids

Friday, July 29, 2005

self

I have read back some of what I have been posting of late. (I will not call it writing - a writer I am not...)

I read other's blogs - impressed by how well they express insights, moments, musings and return to my own inane blathering - slightly embarrassed.

Sounds like a bit of a cartoon life. Light, uninteresting, narrow.... I hope I'm not the blithering idiot I appear to be.

Yesterday made me think. Attended a management meeting out of town. 20 people in all. Looked around at the sea of white faces. One man of colour. He joked, waitiing for a cab, that he did not have a bomb in his briefcase. Surprised, I wondered how recent world events were affecting him, but did not get into a personal discussion. He is a good man. His life must be significantly different due to his heritage. Sad.

After 9/11, I worried about my neighbours. The family next door are Persian. They are wonderful people - helpful, kind, hard working. They have 2 teenage sons who teach my kids fancy soccer moves, look after the pets when we are on vacation, and help me keep the skating rink cleared of snow in the winter.

Still, on the subway, I look around. Brown men with knapsacks cause me to pause. I am wary - not necessarily afraid - just cautious. Instinctive, reactive - not happy with myself. Stay open, don't judge.

It's a hard balance.

2 kids to sleep!

We had a family talk. The kids made a list of 7 of their favourite things. List taped to their bedroom doors. The deal is this. When it is bedtime, pj's, brush teeth, stories, 5 minutes each to soothe before sleep. Then STAY IN YOUR ROOMS! If you do not, you lose one of the treasured items on your list. If you do, stickers are added to your chart. 7 stickers can redeem a lost item.

So far, 2 nights, 2 kids, 4 stickers. No hassles.

YEAH!

The weekend looks good. Meeting a friend at the schoolyard tonight to play. Swimming lessons and Great-Grandma's tomorrow. 6 has a birthday party on Sunday - a really great kid from her class last year!

4 and I are working on a design for her Halloween costume. Yes, it is early - but finding time to sew is challenging at best. Both girls like to help sew - they pin and sew straight seams. 4 wants to be a super hero. A new super hero - Super K. So far, we need a spectacular cape, lots of sequins and are deciding on a skirt shape/length etc...She'll definitely be unique!

It's Friday. A long weekend ahead. Can't wait!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

singing

4 loves to sing. She makes up her own songs - usually about how much she loves her family and Dora and princesses...

She has taken 2 years of creative movement dance classes and announced recently that she would like to take singing. A lifetime ago I did alot of theatre. Connected to my past and found a teacher who would come to the house. Half an hour singing lesson - expensive stuff.

Yesterday was the trial lesson. Thank goodness it was only one lesson - no obligation beyond it! 4 is a terrible singer. I already knew that. She cannot hold a tune - changes keys constantly, and forgets all the words (even to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!) But she loves to sing so much that I thought we'd give it a try. The teacher said he would call with an assessment. No need for that! It was obvious from what I overheard, that 4 was more interested in showing off her twirls (while singing), playing the piano and using the sofa cushions for volleyball. Lets just say focus is not her strong point.

We talked after the lesson. Agreed that lessons aren't necessary right now. She wants to sing her own material and choreograph dances to go along. I think that's wonderful! Who needs singing lessons?!

What this highlighted to me is that the choice of karate in the Fall, was a good one.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

"Don't stress me out Mom..."

sys 6 after the bedtime freak out the other day. "I have trouble going to sleep when I am stressed - and you KNOW I get night terrors!"

Okay.

I know that bedtime has to be consistent. Summer is harder than the school year - activities etc. It seems we don't get settled at home until 9pm. 4 is the energizer bunny. Out of line cashier at Walmart suggested I should dose her with Ritalin the other day! GRRR.

Bedtime is always easier when we follow a schedule. Calm, bath, stories, bed. It works best if I rub their backs for a few minutes before leaving the room. Sometimes I am so desperate for the time to do things that I rush through the routine - anxious to get the laundry on, or the dishes done, or get organized for the next day, that I forget that a few minutes invested then will pay back in more time later.

I know they both have sleep problems - likely a result of their pre-natal experience. I know I can help them quiet. I just don't do it all the time.

Feeling better today though. Sometimes it all feels overwhelming and I don't do the best for any of us. Back together now. The adult in charge again.

My kids know that sometimes Mommy gets frustrated and makes poor choices. It's okay. We're all human.

Monday, July 25, 2005

crack

Thought I'd lose it at work. Much effort spent to contain this 'out of control' feeling at home. Lost it yesterday. Thought I waas going to have to call my mom to drop the kids off there...

Some days I am just so fed up with children not listening, not going to bed, whining, complaining! I finally fell apart yesterday and screamed about not listening - that we were not going to go anywhere or do anything else until they started helping me out. Then bedtime. My kids will not sleep. Will not stay in their rooms at bedtime. Stay up until 11pm. I am so starved for 'grown up time' - 5 minutes to myself, in my home, without children. So last night I screamed again - do not get out of bed! "What if we're bleeding?" ( I was not in the mood to be reasonable) "Get a bandaid!" "What if we have a nightmare? What if we're sick? What if we can't sleep?" AHHHHHHH!!!

It all comes back to you. 1am - 2 crying children. One awakened by the other, who has had a nightmare. Both crawl into my bed. This morning, 4 has a fever. I have to work.

I wonder how much my recent low tolerance for the kids is jus tme trying to control something in life. I can't control the work thing. Are my kids paying?

hmmm

Thursday, July 21, 2005

scattered thoughts

I had a dream last night that is recurring. Same theme, slightly different - always disturbing. Dreamt that my teeth crumbled and fell out. Last night I had to drive a motorcycle to the dentist's office. Imagine my surprise to find I was licensed to drive a motorcycle (even in my dreams I am detail-oriented...I checked the drivers license)! I hate having this dream. It feels so real - of course it's probably because I am grinding my teeth while I sleep...

4's soccer game last night - there is a little girl who is very shy. 4 is very sensitive to these things and has made a point of trying to befriend this girl. Last night they started kicking the soccer ball together and some other kids joined in. The shy girl kept playing, did the team warmup (a first) and actually played during the game. This kind of achievement gives me such a thrill!

My homeless guy looks bad. I see the same man every day, selling papers at the subway exit. We always acknowledge each other. He's pleasant. I worry when he's not there. He's usually fairly clean, but this morning he looks tired and unkempt. Wondering if he's okay...

My kids have become fixated on embarrassing moments. Recently, it has become a daily ritual to beg for stories of embarrassing moments. They love to hear all the silly things that have happened to me - and no matter how many times they hear the stories, they are never tired of hearing them. They have heard the same things over so many times, they could tell the stories themselves, but apparently its much funnier when Mommy tells the story. Funny little people! Another favourite is to try to have a conversation using only one word each (or a phrase). This is an acting exercise but it was brought to light when reading a Roddy Doyle kids book "The Meanwhile Adventures". They are getting pretty good at using the tone of a word to express what they are trying to communicate. Another game in their collection of standards is 'the baby game'. In this game, they take turns pretending a package is delivered to me. In a box, under a blanket - doesn't matter much what form the 'surprise' package takes...my part is t discover that a baby has been delivered to me and I have to react with the same joy that I did when they were placed on adoption. This game NEVER gets old with them! It is getting harder for me to pick up a 65lb child and cuddle her like a baby when she weighs more than half of me!

Boss is on vacation for 2 weeks! *grin*

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

changes again

Just suffered through a 30 minute meeting with my boss. He claims he fought for me to stay in my current location despite executives desire to move me again. I think not. However, we are changing again. I will remain in my current position with reduced responsibilities for 6 months or so. I have lost the kidswear group as they will be relocating to a new city to be completed by September 1st. I have alot of frustrated and angry staff right now. Rumours abound here. Some have chosen to ignore the rumour mill and believe this company has the best interest of its employees at heart. In this huge machine, that is not possible. They are required to relocate. I have been spared. I can't feel guilty. In my meetings with the exec, I have clearly stated that I will work 110% in the job that I have within the hours that I have set. I will then leave work at work and go home to my kdis. Do not promote me if these conditions cannot be honoured. They have been good about keeping their word to me.

It seems that people who have worked for a large company for a long time expect that change will not occur - or if it does, the changes will accomodate their needs. The problem is, that there is a fear of standing up and saying "walk the talk". If you say the family/work balance is a value that you (as a company) promote, accommodate my need for flex hours. As an employee, don't ask for the unreasonable, but be prepared to be flexible. Know what will work for both parties. And know where you need to draw the line. I was prepared to accept a demotion if that was necessary to meet my request. Fortunately, there was room to bend and I got what I needed.

The staff who will be relocated will have to determine what their own comprimise will look like and present it back as a mutually beneficial solution. I suspect I'll be counselling today.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

just one more thing...

TMJ continues to plague me. Headaches are a given daily. My back muscles are braiding themselves into a new configuration. Don't know if I'll ever succeed in this job.

My experience with my father taught me how to 'handle' this man. You speak first. Answer before asked then try to look interested when he drones on giving advise. He thinks he is funny. Laugh at the jokes. Supress the urge to scream. Get away. Find the message in his blather and address it. Don't let him get to your employees. Use yourself as a protective shield.
I am now a shit deflector. Nice job title...

Boss is going on vacation for 2 weeks beginning Thursday. It can't be wrong to be gleeful.

gerbil escape

6 played a late soccer game last night. Getting ready for bed, I noticed something amiss with the gerbil abode. Someone or something had taken it apart...no gerbil to be found. 6 admitted that she had forgotten to put the cage back together in the morning before going to daycare.

We have 2 cats.

Looking for the gerbil - me armed with flashlight looking in all the corners, expecting to find a deceased pet somewhere. 4 had a magnifying glass and was following a trail of gerbil poop. "Mommy, I see gerbil poop! He was here!" 6 sobbing hysterically, interrogated the cats and commented "Kittycat looks like she's just had a satisfying snack! Winks, did you eat my gerbil? I can feel something like a lump in his tummy - I think its my gerbil!"

Chaos.

We found the gerbil alive under 6's bed. A stuffed frog and Tinkerbells dress had been torn apart to use as bedding, and there was gerbil - happy in his 'new home'. He was captured and returned to his cage.

"6, what do you think we could do to make sure this does not happen again?" "I'll check all my animal cages when you say it's 5 minutes to leave. Can you remind me?"

Another fun-filled night!

Monday, July 18, 2005

pets

The cats have both been successfully paw-printed. I was quite surprised they submittted to having their little feet pressed into the ink pad, then tranferred to paper. My conscientious children then washed and dried the inky paws before liberating the cats. The things that go on in our house!

Frog escaped twice this weekend. 4 was trying to lift out the sofabed in the living room and was chastised by both her sister and me. Burst into sobs. Turns out she was "trying to do the right thing" - recovering the frog that hopped under the couch when she took it out of the tank.

The frog also had an adventure under the fridge - courtesy of 6. Once again, he tried to escape as soon as he was free of the tank, but hopped into the dusty recess under the fridge. Retrieving the frog was quite a task! 6 held up the flap at the bottom of the fridge and shone a flashlight under it while I tried to carefully roll it out of its housing without squishing the amphibian. The frog emerged covered in dustbunnies - was washed and returned to his habitat.

Gerbil also had a couple of good runs around the house.

My excercise program. How novel.

Friday, July 15, 2005

my crayola box

My home has become somewhat of a disaster of late. Cleaning has taken a back seat to spending time with the kids. I suspect this is a bit of a selfish choice - I need to de-stress and playing is more therapeutic than cleaning. This weekend we are going to have to dig through the mess to clean as we are having company on Sunday and we can't open the door to guests with the chaos that is home at present.

My 2 are very good at helping out with cleaning. My mom says I have 2 Cinderella children, but they like to clean. They will fight over who gets to clean the windows. Given a bottle of dish soap, a j-cloth and a bathing suit, they will happily climb into the bathtub and scrub for hours. Give them the responsibility and they will take on any challenge. My challenge is to allow them to do it in the time it takes them, and to understand it won't be as efficient (or as neat) as I would do.

We also need to update our art gallery. The front hall of our home is a long hallway covered in kids paintings and art projects. Visitors have remarked that our house looks like a daycare. Don't know if this is a positive comment and don't really care! The blackboard over the kitchen table is usually filled with notes back and forth. I will make sure the potty words are erased before the company arrives. 6's latest entertainment is to find as many words as possible that mean bum and list them on the blackboard. 4 thinks it is funny to write "Mommy is a poo poo" on the board. She thinks it is funny. I am happy she is writing. Eventually, the bathroom talk will lose its appeal (I hope!).

I cannot live in beige. My mother's home looks like a showcase. It is coordinated - follows all the decorating rules and 'flows' from one room to the next. By contrast, my home is a crayola box. Both kids chose the colour/theme of their own rooms. 6's is a purple haven accented by butterfly window clings, bug-themed wind chimes and pictures of frogs in hand-painted frames. 4 lives in a pink, green and gold 'princess' room. 12 pictures from a princess calendar were drymounted to her painted floor and varithaned. Magnetic paint on one wall is covered with princess magnets, and her bed has been painted with a gold crown and jewels. The playroom was painted by all the kids at 6's birthday party.

I love my happy colourful home. I just wish it were self-cleaning.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

better day

Some days I feel ridiculous. For some reason, as bad as things can feel one day, there is a buoyant optimism that returns each morning. It's almost like there is a daily allotment of hope - some days it is beaten out of you by noon, other days it remains until the sun has set...

It certainly helps to have two lively and entertaining girls bouncing around the house each evening. Last night they performed a Disney-themed show dressed in the Mickey and Minnie costumes I made when they were 1 and 3. Costumes were tight - revelry was high!

This morning I called to tell 4 to put a sticker on her door for sleeping through the night in her room. You'd think I had given her the moon. Giggling and squealing, she dropped the phone and ran off to congratulate herself.

6 got 2 reading stickers. She's happy but a bit more subdued.

How lucky I am.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

*scream* - the sequal

Another day in hell.

Running 2 groups - both are understaffed. One is staffed with 2 new employees, one who is teminally late and another who is off sick today (I suspect the stress of trying to carry the load single-handedly is affecting his health!) The chain goes: new distributors in training - unable to work - analyst picks up distributor work - manager (me) picks up analyst work - Director does nothing.

Today there is not one person present save me. This is retail - kids wear - Back to school looms large. New projects are incomplete - problems at every turn so we are fighting a raging fire. No one has kept a master list of what it involves, problem tracking and resolution are not noted. We are chasing ourselves in circles.

This is not the way I work normally.

The second group has been badly managed for a long time. Distributors have been stifled - confined to data entry. They are now empowered to do more. Think. But they do not know how to do anything. Another training issue.

Boss man keeps demanding. He is such an ass. My jaw is frozen. TMJ aggravated by grinding my teeth at night. The dentist suggested yoga. hahaha.

Kids are great. 6 LOVES science camp but is so excited at night she cannot sleep. We've discussed Sir Isaac Newton and the law of gravity, the gravitational pull of the earth versus the moon, how stars and planets are created, nebulas, black holes and constellations in the past 2 nights...

I am tired.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

*scream*

Still challenged by this job! I don't expect this of myself. My new hire is a wonder - thank goodness I ignored the HR warning about her inability to get along with people. I figured that any complaint in HR has to come from a source who is angry/upset and will have to be considered with a grain of salt. Won't react on heresay.

Between Tuesday at 4pm and Wednesday at 6am I had 103 e-mails! Never wanted to be this popular...all issues urgent. We have a new heirarchal structure - I have a clear understanding of the goals, but exec wants to turn this thing around on a dime. Truth is that we cannot turn this old boat so quickly. Change is happening. Small steps should be celebrated - instead all misses are emphasized.

Boss is still AWOL. He breezes by with a comment we should meet, but he hasn't had time for lunch, is in meetings all the time, and will see you in 10 minutes. Two days later the same scenario occurs - but he also says he is available if you need anything. Caught him in an outright lie to exec in a phone conference yesterday. NOT impressed, not surprised.

Able still to decompress on the way home - keeping the kids free from second-hand stress. I suppose this is a success. Am still waking up at 3am with aching jaw, headache and clenched teeth - but panic attacks have ceased.

Kids start their swimming lessons on Saturday. 6 is in Red Cross level 7 ( amazing for her age) and although she does not swim year round, it was obvious last weekend that she should be successful achieving this level this summer. 4 is in level 3. More confident than competent - this is the kid who believes that the 'cute factor' is the key to life. Any transgression can be attoned with a wink, a grin and a wiggle. Won't help with the front crawl, bu thte teacher is sure to be charmed.

6 is loving her new pet frog. This is an amphibian who likes to be patted! He will also hop onto her hand and sit contentedly. Either he likes her, or he is plotting his escape. Time will tell...

Monday, July 04, 2005

ups and downs

I have not posted in some time. Until last week, things were pretty awful. I didn't want to spew out negativity - it was enough carrying it around with me! The boss from %$^@ has been living up to his reputation - totally unprofessional - mostly unavailable, occasionally appearing to request the ridiculous. Always frantic, reactive and urgent. The man is a pinball, careening from one task to another with constantly shifting priorities. I prefer a bit more organization. My new attitude was born of 3 incidents last week. The first was a call at 9:30 am. He had scheduled an interview with a candidate for a parallel position to me for 10am. He wasn't going to make it. Could I do the interview? No room booked, no resume at hand and 30 minutes to prepare! It went ok. Waiting for my return was a note on my desk. He was still unavailable, but had booked a lunch date. Could I find the person and take them to lunch? (can you hear me screaming?) Done. Then last Monday I had to call in sick. 6 had a 104 degree temp along with headache and vision problems. Stayed home to take her to the doctor. The boss would not speak to me the next day. In fact, he called one of my staff and had a conversation with them while I was in the office. I waited 5minutes, then left. Listening to one end of a phone conversation was not exactly a productive use of my time...

He is very clearly not able to manage. I now see my job as creating a strong team to work independently of him. I have been here just long enough to learn what is expected from the executive team, and have put together a group of resources to help. It should be fairly easy to stay a step ahead of him. My team is almost complete - one job offer to go out today. I have a good group of people. Other Managers have been coming to me for help, so I cannot be too far off base with my assessment of the situation.

Elsewhere in my life, I am just back from a 4 day mini vacation. Canada Day was last Friday - it is a huge celebration in our house. The kids love the tradition of the day - even if the parade is only the local Scout troup, the soccer club, T-ball team, a firetruck and a hydro truck. It is still a parade! We were tattooed with Maple Leafs, visited booths staffed by local groups and attended a fair in the park. Of course there were fireworks as well...

Spent 2 days this weekend at Great-Grandma's house. Their pool is leaking and they have been waiting for the 'pool man' to come to repair it. While they wait, the pool sits unused - filled with water and algae. Got a call last week. They had decided to open the pool despite the leak, and had shocked it with chlorine. My 91 year old Grandfather was threatening to get in the pool and scrub the algae off the walls. I offered to help. So the kids and I went up on Saturday armed with brushes. 6 scrubbed the sides of the deep end, 4 scrubbed the shallow end. I got the bottom. 6 finally caught her frog! Our household now has 1 dog, 2 cats, 1 gerbil, 1 bird, 9 fish and a leopard frog. This summer's bug catching has a purpose! Frog food.