What not to be

This is the only picture I have of my father. It was taken in about 1977. In the true photo, he is framed by my mother on one side, and my sister on the other. A happy family photo.

It was taken in the kitchen of the home my parents bought when, after 5 years of separation, they decided to make a go of it again. Sold each of their houses and moved into a house my father had bought on speculation. My sister and I were convinced to move in with them to create the family we never knew growing up. My brother chose not to join in. It lasted 18 days.

After 3 days of feigned bliss, old patterns of relating reared their ugly head, and mom was drop-kicked out the door.

My father is responsible in many ways for who I am today. He was a wonderful example of the kind of human being I never wanted to be. Materialistic, dishonest, scheming, unpredictable and violent, he reduced my mother to a heap of depression and inertia. Her own troubles with him made her unable to step in where necesssary and protect her childern. Twenty years after their final break up, and 2 years after his sudden death, she is finally outgrowing his impact.

For years I kept trying to form a relationship with him that did not have criticism and anger at its core. Each attempt failed. When my daughter came home, I made the decision to sever my relationship with him. I wanted to protect her from him, and from the quivering mess I became when I was in contact with him.

At his funeral, I was in the odd positioin of being surrounded by people who were experiencing the raw grief of recent loss, whereas I was past that point - having grieved the relationship that would never be 4 years earlier.

To this day, if I see someone who looks like him, I can feel the physiological response. Colour drains from my face, my heart races, and panic sets in. The knowledge that he is gone does not stop the immediate reaction.

I feel no anger toward him. Life is what it is. Each experience has something to teach you. From him, I learned how different I am - how strong and resiliant I am, and how to always be aware of the possibility that by virtue of genetics, I could be what he was.