August 31st

My brother-in-law died August 31, 1994.

My father died Aigust 31, 2003.

I think of my sister.

The kids and I are taking a mini vacation - leaving this morning to catch a train to our nation's capitol city. They hardly slept last night! I am catching a few private minutes before we go. I hope we are organized. The dog can go to the vet's, but the rest of the menagerie is going to have to fend for themselves. The neighbour is supposed to check in.

I have been feeling much better. Last week, the doctor suggested that the reaction I was having may have been temporary - and he was right - 2 weeks of fog - then awaken clear. I hate that I am taking something that affects my brain. Whe I was first diagnosed with depression, the doctor asked me how I felt about it. "Pissed off", was my reply. Apparently that is a good answer. If you don't have the energy to be angry, you're in a worse state than I was. Still, I was hoping for a thyroid problem - turns out it was my brain.

boring update

I have been sick for the past 10 days. Drugged exhaustion and constant nausea is not preferable to the TMJ and perma-headache that warranted this prescription! So I have taken myself off the drug. I have definitely not been a fun person to be around!

Managed to stay awake enough to ensure both kids attended their final soccer games of the season, and 6 made it to her karate classes. Swimming ends tomorrow.

Signed 4 up for karate yesterday. She will be attending a half hour class on Saturdays geared to 4 and 5 year olds. 4 has some difficulty listening and her attention span is not great. (My friend/caregiver told me to be prepared - school will likely label her ADHD...) In an effort to allow some self discipline to develop in a fun environment, I signed her up for karate. It has been a wonderful experience for 6 and I think 4 will benefit. (I think the ADHD label is BS...)

In an effort to get ready to go back to school, we have been playing 2 games - Scrabble Junior and Cribbage. 6 is thrilled that she managed to skunk me at Crib. Both love Scrabble Jr. I hope they don't catch on to what I am doing...

Tonight we meet up with friends at the school for an evening of bike riding. Next week is holiday time. We'll be on vacation until school starts Sept 6th. First day of school I have to take off!!!

One very happy note is that today is the last day with their current caregiver. She is a friend who went through the adoption process at the same time and ended up adopting two boys. Both boys have some difficulties - one is developmentally delayed, the other has CP. She is not very positive with my 2 - could be comparing the results of our adoption experience? Regardless, it is not a great place for my kids to be anymore. I am happier than I let on to the kids.

badges

Swimming test yesterday. Amazing, happy children both passed an received their new badges. 6 is now in Red Cross level 8, and 4 passed level 3 and achieved half of the level 4 requirements!

Celebrated at Grandma's house with fudge bars :)

crazy chaos with adult 'children'

Went to the doctors on Monday. Needed to consult about the TMJ and perma-headache. Born to a family with skyrocketing blood pressure, I was worried that mine might be high as well. 112/72 - so stress is not causing an issue that way, but had to have some other meds increased. Great. In order to work, I need to be medicated - actually, in order to live I need to be medicated. Seratonin...

This week was the worst week of my life! I thought Wednesday was bad until Thursday, and Thursday was the worst until Friday. At this point, the work is not the challenge - the people are! Mentioned to super-boss that many staff were overwhelmed, myself included. He offered assistance, and disappeared for the week. Called me from his cell-phone late Friday afternoon. No help from him! What's new?


I have 2 departments under me. One group is transitioning to another location September 6th. The supervisor is on holidays, some staff have already moved off to new areas and these 2 women are struggling to maintain with no support. I have been taking alot of work off their plates trying to prioritize for them and arranged for members of my second department to pitch in where possible. Meltdowns from both Thurs and early Friday.

The second department has been a hotbed of political nonsense and disgruntled staff. One associate quit - last day was Friday. Others have been complaining amongst themselves about how my group has been working. Boss-man has been very clear. We are taking over aspects of their old jobs. They are not allowed to help at all. I feel like I've had my team invade a perfectly happy place causing disruption and dissent.

One woman from another area came into my office on Thursday afternoon with her boss as backup. She sat on my desk and proceeded to attack my analyst and myself. All defensive talk of a person who is extremely unhappy with the recent change. She is originally from Peru, and speaks so quickly she is difficult to understand. She seemed out of control - could not stop ranting loudly - even when I tried to mute her with my computer mouse. Some of what she said was personal and was perceived as a racial comment to my analyst. She finally ran out of steam and left. My analyst was a mess.

Friday morning, my analyst (who is my greatest asset of all my staff), came to see me and wanted to resign. She requested that the racial remark be documented. She was having a terrible time dealing with the scene of Thursday. She kept repeating "I am 48 years old and I don't need to deal with this!" Quite frankly, neither do I, but for some reason, I seem able to put aside my feelings and recognize that people who are stressed sometimes behave badly. You can't take it personally - especially if it is completely out of character for them. Compassion is necessary. The woman who 'lost it' was like Jack-Jack from the Incredibles. Innocent looking and sweet - suddenly turns into a fireball and begins hurling venom.

So, Friday was spent making apologies. I spoke with all team members, assuming responsibility for my part in creating an environment where some team members may have been working in isolation from the rest. Spoke with the head honcho of the group and assured her I would align my team more closely with the group and work to bridge the gap (chasm?) that has been created.

Someone in this scenario needed to be the grown up. Stand up and take responsibility for the state of the nation and assert their intention to address the concerns and work towards creating a more harmonious environment. While the rest of the group whined about the injustice of the situation, I stood up. Some days it feels like there are more children at work than at home!

an interesting hour

Both my girls were adopted as babies. Both from foster care. Different stories.

6's birthmom chose her placement. We met. She asked for yearly updates - pictures and a note updating her. The information is passed on through a social worker.

6 knows her birth and adoption story. She knows her birthmom's name. She has seen a picture. She is incredibly curious.

Shopping a few weeks ago, we found some pens with 6's name on them. She found some pencils with her birthmom's name on them and begged to buy them. Something kind and thoughtful...
I promised to call the social worker and arrange a meeting for 6 to drop off the gift. The meeting was last night.

6 was nervous and shy at first. The social worker was wonderful! They talked for about 45 minutes. 6 spoke of things she liked to do - the social worker asked if it would be okay to pass the info on to birthmom. 6 asked for a picture of her birthmom and her dad.

I have no other parenting experience to compare this with. Adoption is my norm. Still, as I try to do the best things for the kids, I wonder what it would be like not to have this other history to speak about. It's an interesting journey.

picture this

Cooking dinner in the kitchen. The girls are playing quietly together upstairs when I hear...

"Mommy! Mommy! Look!"

I turn and see 6 at the top of the stairs, big silly grin on her face, arms spread wide. "Presenting, the amazing K!"

4 appears at the top of the stairs dressed in a long purple princess gown, princess shoes, face painted with makeup, tiara balanced on the top of her head - she parades slowly down the stairs like the queen, turns slightly to the right, looking over her shoulder. Perched on her left shoulder is Jane, her rat. "I have discovered rats." she says seriously. "I quite like them. I take good care of them." She turns and exits.

Too funny!

the game

I've figured out the game. The boss-man wants to control so badly, he will try to break anyone who is not desperate for his help. Once he breaks you, he will fly in with his cape and try to save you. At least he thinks he is saving you. He makes a brief appearance offering assistance with anything you need, then disappears. Does not show up again. Plagues with demanding phone calls and e-mails - all rude and demeaning in tone.

On Friday, a blue piece of cloth waved over the cubicle at me. My co-worker did not have any white material to use, so substituted blue. He too is fed up with the nonsense from the boss. Does not like the message or tone of his communication. Management style conflict again. At least I have someone else who is feeling the same thing...

camp

Camp is amazing for both girls! 4 has recovered from her disappointment at not playing the lead in Mary Poppins and has learned her lines for her 2 parts - a princess (?) and a bird. She is still considering what kind of bird she will be - a bird with soft wings? or a pidgeon?

6 had arrived back at my office more exhausted each day. They are very physically active at her camp - she has experienced rock climbing , archery, canoeing, and has a daily swim lesson and free swim. She has made friends! This is amazing for my socially challenged, intense little person! Her only negative comments were that she is alone in swimming lessons as all the other kids are 4 levels lower than her. I don't mind the private lessons, but to be singled out, even for a strength is an issue for her...

Thank goodness for the positives at the end of the day. The middle part is taxing. Have been keeping a log of all issues unsupported and unaddressed by the boss. Will take it to the exec team when I have a substantial case to present. I hate this.

management style

The boss is back.

Got a call today reaming me for some things that occurred in his absense. I let him know what some of the issues are and he advised me that I should be giving out written warnings for not folllowing the job description. When I countered that this seemed somewhat threatening, he claimed it was not. This is his management style.

I do not share his style - don't believe threatening and belittling people are team-building skills...he believes I am failing in this job. I believe he is failing as a human being.

I feel sick.

the fish

I swear my kids are part fish! Swimming lessons on Saturday - they both did a great job. 4 insists on practicing while the other child is swimming with her teacher. Jumped off the deep end of the pool and swam a full length of front crawl on her own. Teacher was calm - I was a wreck - ready to leave the observation area and jump into the pool to 'save' her.

Later at Great-Grandma's, they swam for 3 hours, then took a break for dinner. Climbed a tree after dinner, and 6 got stuck. While my aged grandparents ran around looking for a ladder to assist, I hiked up my dress (of course I was wearing a long dress and sandals with heels!), ditched my shoes and hauled myself up the tree to help. It's been quite a while since I climbed a tree. We got down safely...6 says "next time I climb a tree, I will come down the tree intelligently - just as I climb up!"

The kids were lurking around the edge of the pool - looking longingly at the water, so I threw them in - fully clothed. Swimming with clothes on is hard. They managed really well! So I let them ditch their clothes and swim naked in the pool. I was in the water with them, but we swam in the deep end together for about 45 minutes. No pool noodle- no flutterboards. 4 wanted to go to the bottom of the pool, so we all held hands, (4 was told to squeeze my hand if she needed to surface, and 6 has an aqua lung!). We dove for rings on the bottom - 8 feet down.
They had a blast! I was so impressed with them - they played safely and well for all that time.

On another note - still no sign of gerbil. No bad odours. No evidence of his existence. The cage sits open on the playroom floor, hoping to lure him back with food...

missing

I guess you can only be lucky once. We are missing one gerbil - gone for 36 hours now.

6 claims she shut the cage Wednesday, but discovered it open last night. No gerbil in sight. No 'evidence' of gerbil anywhere. No smug looking cats, no gerbil poop, no destroyed stuffed animals...I think he's gone for good this time. We'll probably find him when the smell gets bad.

Left the cage open on the floor in case he is smart enough to find his way back to food and water, but I suspect it's tiny brain isn't capable of such logic.

6 is distressed. She didn't want "his life cycle to end this way". On the other hand, it leaves an open cage for the degus she is lobbying for. I DO NOT WANT DEGUS!

Last night 6 had trouble going to sleep. At 10pm, both kids were in bed and I was trying to watch the news in my room, when 6 showed up beside my bed. "Loook what I made. I wanted to glue and there was no glue left, so I made some. It's glitter glue."

"What did you use to make it?"

"Flour and water, with some glitter thown in for sparkle."

"Where did you make it?"

"On the landing on the stairs. I didn't make any mess. I just thought I should tell you because that is being responsible."

Interesing child!

Mary Poppins

4 is having a blast at her drama camp! The finale of the 2 week camp is a performance by all the students. The musical chosen is Mary Poppins. 4 is DESPERATE to play Mary Poppins and has insisted on auditioning for the lead role. She loves the song Mary sings - "you know, the one that goes mm mm m". The campers range in age from 3 to 13 - they are not all on their way to Broadway - just a bunch of kids who like the arts. I highly doubt the staff will be employing non-traditional casting - thus 4 is not going to get to play Mary. I wonder what she'll be doing.
After 2 days, she has befriended the entire company, and apparently has an entourage of 3 year-olds to whom she appointed herself guardian. The end of day finds her dancing under the disco ball - unwilling to leave to go home.

Hope 6 has a s much fun next week at her outdoor camp!

parental stupidity

I am not the worlds best parent. Like everyone, I make mistakes, but safety is one thing I am very aware of. Obviously this is not a priority with everyone!

In Ontario this summer, there have been a record number of drownings. Kids left unsupervised, or unattended at beaches and pools. The news has been rife with stories - there is much talk about the necessity of teaching kids water safety and basic swimming for free- through the school system.

Last week we went to a birthday party held at a pool. Attendees ranged in age from 4 to 6. Both my kids went. I took a bathing suit and planned to be in the pool - after all, I did not know the pool, and I did not want someone else to have the responsibility of looking after my kids in the water. I was the anomoly. Parents showed up with 4 and 5 year olds who were unable to swim. Parents were unprepared to get in the water - and the water was quite deep! I was astounded. My kids are good swimmers, but they are never in the water without an adult at hand. In fact the pool rules state that children under six must be no further than arms reach away from an adult at all times. I have been in public pools many times where kids are not properly supervised. It does not matter how good a swimmer they are. Accidents can happen.
It shocks me how unaware some parents are!

And yesterday, I found child in the mall. Approximately 2 yrs old, he jumped onto the down escalator beside me and almost fell down the stairs. I put a hand on his shouldere to stablilize him and looked areound for the parent. No one was around. At the bottom of the escalator, the child turned and ran toward the subway. I stopped him, asking where his Mom was. He did not understand. I kept him with me for 5 minutes waiting for an anxious parent to appear. After 10 minutes, I was going to take him back upstairs to the Information desk, when a smiling woman sauntered over to the child, took his hand and walked away. There was no distress what-so-ever! This was obviously the child's parent, but she was so unconcerned about the fact the child had been missing for so long. I would have been frantic. I wonder if she even knows how lucky she is that the child was spotted by me - not someone might cause some harm!